Sample Newsletter

NATION’S LEADING EXPERT’S GAZETTE
…News from the Corporate World

Biochemist Teaches Pest Managers How To Kill Bugs

Holding its annual event at Foxwoods Resort in Connecticut, The National Pest Management Association heard Dr. Harry Freedman introduce several new methods for killing pests.

You have to know your enemy. In the ant family, there are 9 different species of Carpenter Ants, beginning with the Union Ants, who move in, overcharge, and do shoddy work, as opposed to the Contractor Ants who put out hits on all the other ants, and go by names like ‘Vinnie the Tick’, and ‘Vito the Fruitfly’.”

Freedman also stated that the current products really don’t work. “There are of course, all the insect sprays, which unfortunately have to hit their target for least 20 minutes before they kill the bug, which makes this technique only slightly more effective then running water.”

Sysco Foods Saves Money!

Approximately 1000 Sysco Food distributors heard noted food industry expert, Harry Freedman, describe new ways to save money and improve products.

One area we can cut costs is hospital food. Right now, we go to a lot of effort to sell food that’s fresh and wholesome for people that are sick and dying. I say, what’s the point? If the food isn’t quite as fresh as it needs to be and somebody happens to get sick, they’re already in the hospital anyway, so what better place to be?

We’re also going to change some of our food suppliers. For example, we currently get most of our poultry from Tyson,. chicken, but from now on, we’re going get it all from Mike Tyson chicken, cause this is one chicken that will not only beat your brains in, but also bite you back.”

Credit Card Company Late Paying Expenses

It doesn’t happen often, but on occasion a client is a little slow in paying expenses. In Harry Freedman’s case, a killer show for a credit card company, (who shall remain nameless) took awhile before sending his expense check. “It’s not fair,” Harry complained. “I should be able to charge them 18% interest a month and send out lots of annoying notices.”

Genealogist Fools Family!

Following an afternoon of skiing in Park City Utah, for a family reunion of 60 relatives, genealogist Harry Freedman, author of “Where Do You Come From, Where Are You Going, And Who The Heck Are You?”, delivered more then 35 minutes of custom tailored material tying each individual’s quirks and personality traits to their early Russian ancestors. Armed with an actual family tree, highlights included,

I’m happy to clear up some issues about your family history, even though unfortunately, if 1 do my job too effectively, and dig up too many other relatives, at the next reunion, your host might invite a whole different family.

So, how does genealogy actually work? First, we use the tree to represent the basic family structure, but small narrow families use the Bamboo Tree, moderately extended families use the Palm Tree, and the most extended families, such as Jewish, Italian or organized crime families, use the Maple Tree …even though the branches of organized crime families are more likely to have been prematurely cut off.

Freedman was such a big hit, he was subsequently hired by his host three months later for a private party, where he posed as an ex-patient to a psychiatrist, who was rather surprised to learn that Harry had been under his care.

Freedman Wows Fortis Insurance On A Yacht!

Despite engine noise and a faulty sound system, 150 Fortis sales award winners and their spouses were delightfully fooled by newly hired ‘Company Consultant’ Harry Freedman onboard the yacht Sir Winston in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. With the boat trolling down the intracoastal waterway, Harry poked fun at their award winners.

It’s nice to see Chad Young is actually here this morning. (having overslept last years meeting), particularly because its gotta be tough enough just to be in Florida with the name Chad, but I understand that Chad’s boss said if he overslept today, Florida would’ve had one more hanging Chad …and I figure anybody who sleeps as late as Chad does, probably shouldn’t also be named Young.”

Approximately 40 minutes into a well received performance, a faulty sound system completely gave out. Fortunately, Harry was able to avert a potential disaster by grabbing the ship’s nautical microphone and telling everyone “to abandon ship.” As a result, he received a semi-standing ovation. (it was a low ceiling) According to Fortis’ Bud Guthrie, “Harry was tremendous.”

Man Gets Sick During Physician’s Stand Up Act

While posing in his usual stand-up character as a fake medical doctor, Harry Freedman watched in disbelief as an audience member suddenly passed out. After a moment of stunned silence, a woman in the crowd yelled, “Well, come on, you’re a doctor.”

It was, to say the least, an awkward moment. Harry’s years of perfecting the ability to put people on, had now ironically, come back to haunt him.

Fortunately, Harry quickly acknowledged that his act was a fake. Even more fortunate was the fact that there were several firemen in the audience who rushed to the man’s aid. It was learned the next day that he had suffered an actual heart attack. Patient and physician were both shaken, but doing okay.

Interior Undersecretary Woos Wildlife Council

Appearing before the World Wildlife habitat council as a business expert and an aide to Interior Secretary Gale Norton, Harry Freedman proved once again that a contrary character can often garner the biggest laughs.

After welcoming everyone, particularly members of the New York Tortoise Society, “who apparently are always slow in arriving,” Freedman congratulated the group on its work.

You’ve done some wonderful projects, like the one that enabled the monarch butterfly to continue migrating from Pittsburgh to Mexico, so its clear to me that NAFTA is not only helping both countries exchange their illegal workers, but also their butterflies.”

Freedman went on to say that environmentalists have a tough time, because “of all the lobbies in Washington environmentalists are the weakest, particularly compared to the NRA..for one very important reason. In the NRA they all have guns. What’s an environmentalist going to do, throw a pine cone at a Senator?”

Wedding Vows After 18 Years! Harry Handles The Laughs!

Having caught Harry Freedman’s act at a comedy club, a long time couple hired him to entertain at their wedding. Freedman delighted friends and family alike with his hysterical stand-up routine, along with a few remarks created specially for the occasion.

They’ve taken 18 years to get married, and they threw the wedding together in less then 2 weeks.” Harry quipped. “I’m amazed they were able to even find me.”

Freedman Adds Videos

Taking his love for writing and performing into the video arena, Harry Freedman has introduced custom tailored, short funny videos as a capper for some of his corporate putons.

At an event for job recruiters, Freedman offered humorous “Job Interview Tips” complete with a professional actor demonstrating pointers on going through the want ads, good grooming and overall interview techniques.

At another event involving two companies that had newly merged, Freedman hilariously utilized actors to portray individuals from each of the two newly joined companies, so they would be able to more fully understand who they would be dealing with.

Biography:

Harry Freedman, AKA, The Nation’s Leading Expert, claims to have an MBA from Harvard, a BS from Yale, a BA from Princeton, a PHD from Cornell, while simultaneously taking a difficult nightclass in pottery at Nassau Community College. Freedman also claims that he has been a successful architect, psychologist, physician, rock and roll producer, astronomer, lawyer, inventor, White House economist, and Olympic kayaker.

Who Is He Really?

In reality, Harry Freedman has been profiled in the New York Times for his custom tailored corporate put-ons. He is a regular opening act for Ray Romano and is available for emceeing, writing, and corporate impostors.

To Contact Harry Freedman:
105 Susan Cove, E. Norwich, NY, 11732

Phone: 516-922-6831
Fax: 516-922-6342
E-mail: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

“Harry has always done an outstanding job. One of the reasons Harry is so successful, is because he really does his homework. I would recommend him for any event, showcase, meeting, or any other situation, with my highest praise.”

Rainey Foster, Vice President: Leading Authorities Speakers Bureau